Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
