Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
