Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
