dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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