Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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