this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
