This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
