conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You made out with two different species that night
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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