God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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