i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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