I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
