I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
