so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
