we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
