Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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