The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
