Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
