just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
