If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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