I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
