i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
