I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.