do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
