if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.