Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
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I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
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that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall