Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
