I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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