I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
