I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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