I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
