: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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