even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
