she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
