I accidentally had phone sex last night
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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