The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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