I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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