dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
