So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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