Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
