Swine flu is the new snow day.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
