I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Text me some of your sweat
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
