we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
