She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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