have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
