yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
