Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
