How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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