I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
