he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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