Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
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about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
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She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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