am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
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I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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