Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i will never coherently bang her
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
