Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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