I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
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