you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
