There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
