We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
