Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
