We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
