trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
