If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
