....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
