Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
