roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
