I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
did i walk over a car last night?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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