he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
