I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Randomize
