im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
