am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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