Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
