I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
