is your mom at the bar?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
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how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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